Here’s a piece I wrote for Eastern Daily Press about my frustration with ‘Fashionable’ parents…
How on earth do Fashionable Parents look so ‘together’? It really isn’t fair, especially when the rest of us look like we got dressed blindfolded… in a jumble sale. For a bet…
Let me explain. These days I’m a Stumbler. I stumble out of bed, into some clothes; this usually involves finding the trousers with the least amount of visible dirt, before hopping around the bedroom trying (unsuccessfully) to get my legs into the appropriate slots.
I stumble into the bathroom, only to recoil from my own reflection in the mirror. I then drag my fingers through unwilling hair in a (half-baked) effort to bring order to said barnet. Soon I’m stumbling (half-walking, half-falling) downstairs for breakfast with the little one. The meal always concludes with my wearing much more food than he’s consumed. Then, after many tears (from both of us), he’s wrestled into his buggy for the morning constitutional.
As I stumble over the front step, struggling with trainers and shushing the banshee-like screams emitted by my son, I always have the same encounter. It really is uncanny. No matter what time I leave the house, I’m always just in time to say ‘Hello’ to Mr Fashionable Dad as he and his saintly child stroll by.
‘Morning,’ he says, a grin spreading across his pristinely-shaved face.
‘Hi,’ I say, wiping ketchup from my raggedy-bearded chin.
‘Lovely weather’
‘Isn’t it?’
And with that Mr Fashionable Dad is gone, trotting down the road in his co-ordinated, stain-free, clothes – probably off to the gym or perhaps to expertly whittle some wood for charity. I know my level of contempt for Mr Fashionable Dad is totally out of proportion to his crimes. Essentially he’s the dad manifestation of the swan gliding above the water, whereas I look like the frantic paddling that goes on beneath.
God, I dislike that guy.
Eastern Daily Press
To read my full piece for the Eastern Daily Press, click here.
Chris McGuire: Writer 